i don’t care what your friends will think.
FALL 2009 was… wow, haha. Let’s see. Emotionally, I was a hot mess, but on the plus side my grades improved aaaand I pledged so that’s something. 3.64 isn’t so bad, but it comes with a W. :/ I could’ve gotten a better grade but I fudged up in COMM 31 on the midterm, and I didn’t know the attendance policy. I could’ve gotten at least a B+. But most importantly, I got A’s in my 4-unit classes over my 3 unit ones. :)
Next semester shouldn’t be too hard, but I have no idea what to expect in COMM 155. Ahh, Koper scares me. :( I’m trying to switch it to COMM 193b, for some Documentary class hahah, we’ll see how successful I am. Then I won’t have classes on T/R! But my M/W will suck balls: 9:30-12:20, 1-3:50, 6-7:50. AHh.
I cleaned my room today! Kind of. I can finally see my floor, hahaha.
To-Do List for Tomollow.
- Go to the DMV and yell at them for not sending me my stickers, and then get yelled at because they’re assholes.
- Take Noah the Fisheye to Longs for developage.
- Get a haircut? Maybe. There’s $2 Tuesdays at the Beauty College! But only if I want a trim…
- Clean my room some more.
- Buy batteries with a charger for Cupcakes!
I miss the old me. I miss being able to hide my feelings. I miss being able to cope with them.
Now I just feel lost. And all I want is a friend, but that friend doesn’t want to hold my hand.
I wish I had the strength to depend solely on myself again. I’m tired of letting myself down.
here it goes.
I told myself in the summer that I would write more, but that hasn’t happened. It makes me sad because I feel like I’ve lost interest in my one real passion. Sometimes, I feel like it’s because I’m afraid of confronting my feelings, confronting myself. But I’m writing now.
I’ve been really busy lately, which has its ups and downs. For once, I don’t have time for distractions. I’ve never really liked not having anything to do anyway. But it has also stressed me out a bit. I know that at any moment I can give up, but I don’t want what I’ve worked for to go waste.
And for a second I didn’t even see the point in anything anymore. I was sure I was failing everything. I’ve spent anywhere from 3-9 hours at the library at least three times a week, and I guess all of that has paid off. I’m doing quite well in my classes, except for Math, but I’m improving. Having test anxiety really messed me up. I was confident going in the exam, at least I didn’t think I would fail because I studied and understood the material, but as soon as I got my test I just…failed. Anyway, I know I can improve and I’m going to. My COMM 149 class has been meeting in SecondLife recently, and I hate it. I did not sign up for online college.
Another thing that has been keeping me busy is pledging. I enjoy every second I put into it, but I wish it wasn’t so time consuming. I feel like my days never end and I never sleep when I want to. I don’t even have time to go to the gym anymore! I was actually starting to like the gym.
More importantly, I feel like all this stress has made me feel both weak and vulnerable. I know it sounds really cheesy, but it makes me wish sometimes that I had somebody at the end of the day to take me away from it all. At the same time, talking to guys has just ended up frustrating me. Some people are so needy sometimes and it annoys me to no end.
Oh yeah, lately I’ve been listening to “Closer to Love” by Mat Kearny. It’s even my new ringtone, hahaha. I love love love love this line:
“Don’t apologize for all the tears you cried. You’ve been way too strong now for all your life.”
I want to feel free again. I want to be strong again. I want to be happy again. I want time for myself. I want a java chip frappucino. I want more sleep. I want good food. I want want want want want. :D
Yeah, I was never good at endings.
via markrea
why do you bother pretending? has anybody told you it’s annoying and makes you look dumb?
yeah, i’m probably being a bitch. oh well.
do i know this person? haha
